


A softer world

by Luna_Arsenica



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Multi, Pre-Canon, Sibling Incest, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2020-10-11 10:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 54
Words: 16,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20544497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Arsenica/pseuds/Luna_Arsenica
Summary: Drabble collection loosely inspired on comics from "A softer world". Expect sadness, lots of different pairings and ratings.





	1. 1116 (thornagi)

  1. _. Roses are red_

_ Violets are blue _

_ You can do whatever _

_ you want to me _

Submission and service come easy to Thorvald, when it comes to the royalty of his beloved land. Obedience, at the end of the day, is even more powerful than his desire to do the right thing, but even so, it's usually tied to either of those.

As long as there's anything he can do, anything at all, for the good of his country, of anyone in the royal family, he'd gladly give his life for it. He'd be happy to be of any use, regardless of the harshness both of the princes address him with.

And yet, prince Nagi is still a mystery to Thorvald. He's a beautiful enigma he can't quite decipher, cold one moment then friendly, inviting, the next.

He supposes it must be the loneliness, the fact that Thorvald is about the only constant presence around him (that shows himself openly, anyway), and as such, the only person to talk to.

He never lets himself get too tangled into friendship with Nagi. Not because he knows a time will come when he gets only the cold treatment for a good while (enough to kill him if he became emotional about it), but rather because that's his place anyway.

Thorvald knows he can't even dream about being worth the love of a prince.

So when Nagi insists on kissing him, he never answers. He does nothing, ignoring the fierce need his arms have to wrap his beloved prince, disregarding the confused, sad, maybe a bit offended look in his eyes when he gives up on pulling Thorvald into a marvelous love story.

This isn't some fairy tale, and Thorvald isn't there to love Nagi back. He is there to keep him safe, to take any hits for him, to make sure he can do his job without worrying about anything else but efficiency.

As long as he isn't anything but a loyal subject, Thorvald has no business falling in love with someone so out of his league.


	2. 1118. setnagi (nagi pov)

  1. _I would throw myself_

_ down a flight of stairs _

_ if you would only love me. _

_ Well. Also if you won't. _

"I loved you". "I hate you". They're both lies, and Nagi knows it.

That's what he wants, but not what he truly feels. There's simply no reason to admit it, no benefit to saying that he's just really lost and desperate.

His real feelings would only become a weapon, and Nagi would rather kill them himself than let that happen.

And yet that's still the truth, deep inside of him. That if only Set finally said what he wants from Nagi, he'd happily oblige. He'd do anything, give him whatever he asked for, just to be fully loved, and not loved in that half, mixed-feelings tortuous and tragic way of his.

But all Nagi can do is <strike>wish</strike> tell himself that he's just being dramatic. So what if Set doesn't love him. That's just his loss.

He's not waiting for him anymore.


	3. 1093. harumina (haruki pov)

  1. _I know exactly_

_ what you need. _

_ And I hope you go out _

_ and get it. _

_ xoxoxo. _

Ever since they met, Haruki's guesses about Minami started turning to certainties more and more. About his likes, dislikes, the things that he wants and the ones that he's just doing out of inertia, just because it's what he knows how to do.

And in the time they live together, Haruki learns a lot about Minami, from his own mouth or from looking at him. With each day that passes he confirms a sad truth: he's not what Minami needs.

He knows he's loved. He knows he's what Minami wants for his life, but the more he knows about him the more he knows this sweet but extremely angry boy won't be happy with someone like himself, having to get used to the kind of life he likes and the way he loves and everything he is.

Haruki sighs lovingly everytime he sees Minami try his best to prepare the simplest meal possible, and laughs softly when he starts complaining about how one day he'll burn even the boiling water for pasta. He’s immediately by his side, hugging him from behind, kissing his cheek to calm him down and pointing out how there's still plenty vegetables that are not burnt, and how if he just adds an easy soy sauce slurry he can make even the charred meat edible.

There's things he can teach Minami, and there's times when he can gently guide him, help him understand his own heart better, but he knows he's not  _ needed _ . With more time, with more experience, even just the smallest advice from Haruki will make him completely independent, and that's what he wants for Minami anyway.

Because he believes love is free, and love is selfless, he knows he needs to let go of Minami. Because it's the best for him, he knows he has to be clear about himself and his feelings.

Because he loves Minami, all he can hope is for him to find what he truly needs, and all he can wish for is that he doesn't reject it once he does.


	4. 171. riku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> riku and ghosts, pre-canon

171 _ . dad says that gramma _

_ is always with us _

_ even though I am sure _

_ he can't hear her _

_ when she sings me _

_ my lullaby _

Riku vaguely remembers the first time he saw a ghost. But that person didn't look dead, or eerie. That was just a normal person, an old lady smiling at him and watching over him as he had an attack. She seemed to be whispering, maybe trying to comfort him.

No one else saw her, and that explained why she didn't do anything else to soothe him when he could have died. But Tenn never lied, and his logic was always on point too: how could that woman just  _ be _ in their room, without ever coming through the door?

It seemed clear after a few times that Riku could see the departed, and judging from the looks his parents exchanged when they heard about it this was not the first time Riku saw things no one else could perceive.

Every time Riku mentioned one, Tenn was always scared, a grimace on his face for only half a second before he smiled kindly and asked Riku if the ghost needed anything. He'd calm down soon, when Riku confirmed the ghost was just hanging out there, or maybe didn't even know they were dead.

He always wanted to start an investigation to find out who they were when they were alive, but Tenn never wanted to play detective with him. There was always an excuse, even when Riku wasn't bedridden, and no amount of pouts and threats to hold his breath made Tenn yield.

It's only years later that Riku gets an idea, and thinks that maybe Tenn wasn't so terrified of ghosts themselves but rather the fact that it was  _ Riku _ that could see them. The subtle chance that this wasn't a coincidence or children being more sensitive or that stuff, but the fact that Riku was so close to the world of the dead.

But Riku always thought it was comforting. Death was a normal thing for him since early in his life, and seeing that there was life after it (or at least  _ something _ ) gave him a kind of warmth and hope he wouldn't have had otherwise. It made him feel that if there were friends there, maybe he wouldn't be so sad about leaving his family behind. Maybe he'd even be able to meet them again in the future, too.

And anyway, Riku's health has been stabilizing lately, and he's still as close to ghosts as ever! So, it definitely can't be that.

If only he could tell Tenn about it.


	5. 548. mitsuki

548 _ . I'm not pretty _

_ and I'm not smart. _

_ There are no role models _

_ for people like me _

_ yet _

Once, when Mitsuki was a little kid, it was easy to hope that he'd grow up to be a manly man that everyone would look up to. He'd be admired, and he'd make sure everyone knew not to give up on their dreams.

But as he grew up (and then promptly stopped), it became each time more and more clear that if he ever made it, if he ever became the man he wanted to be, it was going to be with a few modifications to his childhood dreams.

Of course, being cute was acceptable for an idol, but he wasn't going to give up on showing himself as a man. He'd had enough of being looked down on because of his size, or his skills at cooking (like it was bad to have a life skill as necessary as that!), or his baby face, and he had a few fights under his belt because of that too. He was  _ determined _ to show he was a man, too!

And even though working as IDOLiSH 7’s Mitsuki gets him in a good mix between compromising and being as cute as he can to make his fans happy and being happy himself that they also enjoy his manly side once in a while, all Mitsuki can think is, it's better off this way.

He wishes he could be tall, muscley, have a more manly face and general build, that's probably not going to change. But he's been through shit to get to where he is now. He's been disappointed and rejected and desperate and had moments when he seriously thought his dreams would never come true, but they did. And they came true for him, with his height and his extremely normal looks and his pretty average self.

He's in a much better place than he ever thought to tell every person that looks up to him to never give up. He'll be the one who looks at those who are looked down on and underestimated and tells them: "they're wrong, you can do it. I'm living proof."


	6. 1120. thornagi (nagi pov)

1120 _ . I hacked into your heart, _

_ but I didn't mean _

_ for you to love me, _

_ I was just a bored kid. _

Sometimes, Nagi thinks about it and knows what he's doing isn't right. It's not even remotely okay.

He isn't the one to blame if someone falls in love with him, of course. He's beautiful, so it's probably hard not to. And he's charismatic, and his smile is bright like the sun (he's practiced it in front of the mirror, of course he'd know that!), so he gets it. He's just gorgeous - who  _ wouldn't _ love him?

But it  _ is _ his fault, absolutely, if he plays with the hearts of those who fell for his charm. He believes there has to be a healthy amount of flirting even with people who hold genuine feelings for him, but he can't fool himself: that's not what he's doing to Thorvald, and he's probably being at least a tiny bit unfair.

Not because of the kisses, no. It's not the hugs either, it's not the way he stares into his eyes for minutes on until he has his face memorized. It's not even the fact that he'll make Thorvald undress him occasionally.

It's the fact that he only does it when he's mad at him.

Nagi only realizes he did it out of anger when it's too late, and when he does it hits him like a bucket of cold water. Every single time, the guilt drives him crazy.

It makes him wish he could just be like that but sweet, kiss Thorvald like he really means it, hug him tight but kindly, look at him lovingly instead of with a cold glare. But he also understands why Thorvald would be wary about those things after being punished with love. After having his honest feelings for Nagi being used as a weapon against him.

More than anything, Nagi wishes he could do those things honestly because he feels bad about hurting someone else and not because it makes him scared, how much he reminds himself of his brother when he does something as cruel as that.


	7. 1053. toumina (minami pov)

  1. _I know your weakness._

_ It's kisses. _

_ You are doomed. _

Minami had a hard time admitting just how bad he had it for Touma, but once he did, he couldn't say the results weren't favourable for him.

While he had been really afraid of love due to his past experiences, Touma made him feel safe, loved, cared for. More than that, than just being considerate of Minami's times and needs, and especially of his feelings, Touma made him feel pretty powerful. This time, Minami had a good grasp on his heart, and he knew that if he wanted to he could cause a lot of pain, and fast, just like the sting of a snake bite.

It still wasn't perfect, of course, because no relationship would ever be - that was just a fact of life. Touma wasn’t the brightest man he'd ever met, and that showed in how often he missed Minami's subtle signs, the moments where he was very desperately asking for a kiss or obviously mad at something Touma might have phrased in an offensive way, and while the solution someone less messed up than Minami could find to that would be to just be more transparent and open (which was what Minami usually got to after many shows of just how dedicated Touma was to keeping up with him), his first reaction was precisely the opposite to that.

The fear in Touma's freaked out eyes at Minami's coldness, at his glare and one-word answers, is a blessing that makes Minami melt in adoration and evaporates any ill-will he could have towards Touma. He assumes he can look a bit scary sometimes - Haruki  _ did _ call him a gangster, after all, and Torao seems to see right through his good boy facade, to the point all of ZOOL is probably aware now of how Minami has slowly found the weaknesses of his fellow members in a short time, like stamps he's collecting for fun but could also sell for a decent amount of money if he wanted to.

But more than anything, Touma is probably scared of hurting Minami because he knows he's more fragile than he lets on, and he's probably terrified that, Minami being as wary as he is, he'll just dump him and never give him another chance again if he messes up badly enough.

Minami never let it go too far, though. He wouldn't want Touma to give up, or to think he's hurting him for fun. He doesn't want to hurt him to begin with - this is just a reflex, something he found himself doing before he could stop because it was his way to feel safe when hurt. But he'd destroy himself before hurting Touma seriously, so he always stops the act before he believes it. Right before the damage turns irreversible, when he doesn't manage to prevent any real damage to begin with.

When Touma sighs, kisses him in an attempt to not be mad at Minami for having the worst habits in history, he feels at peace in the world, the same world that's a better place everyday just by being together.

Touma is the first to make Minami believe with time they'll stop this routine, because he trusts Touma to eventually learn how to read him, and he knows he'll learn to trust him even more and finally leave his harmful tactics behind for him. For the one idiot who finally managed to make him happy.


	8. 1000. harumina (minami pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minami's feelings after coming back to Japan (pre-canon).

  1. _Nothing can change_

_ the way I feel about you. _

_ I wish it could. _

Minami isn't sure what he wants out of life anymore.

His heart feels empty, in a way that makes every day more tiring than sad. He's been tired for years, but lately it just feels like even breathing is too much.

He can't help regretting his impulsive decision to go to Northmarea, his terrible whim to just do whatever he wanted once in his life instead of listening to the advice of the many adults in his life that wanted the best for him. If he had tried to find some happiness in acting, maybe he wouldn't have met Haruki, and his life would be boring but less painful.

It's not like he regrets meeting Haruki, but Minami can't think of a single world in which they'd meet and he wouldn't fall in love with him hard and fast, and that's precisely the problem: he loves Haruki too much, in a way that hurts him because it will  _ always _ feel unrequited, no matter how many times Haruki swears he loves him.

If Minami had decided to stay, or,  _ if _ Minami had decided to make an effort and try to have a long distance relationship with him, there would be a lot to take anyway. Even if Haruki wasn't dying, maybe Minami would find it hard to keep a relationship like that, while knowing Haruki is as much of a free spirit and free lover as he is. If there was ever someone who fit the phrase "in love with the world", that was definitely Haruki, and Minami isn't sure how much he could take for the promise of a moment with him.

Minami isn't sure a relationship with him would work even if he tried, but he just isn't capable of forgetting about him, and he can't even turn those feelings into friendship. Even when he  _ thinks _ he's finally over Haruki, and can move on, he realizes it's not just his feelings for Haruki that he killed but every little one in his heart.

Either life is empty, or it's painful, and he can either accept his heart wants to love Haruki or he can shut it down completely until he feels like a doll again.

At this point, Minami isn't even sure falling in love again will save him from his love for Haruki. He isn't sure he wants to, and he isn't sure it will ever happen when each day that goes by he feels more full of void.

At this point, Minami is convinced even if he fell for someone new, and somehow managed to find happiness with them, it would just remind him of how Haruki couldn't give him that.


	9. 1085. ioriku (riku pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> established relationship ioriku, riku thinks about how everything in life is ephemeral (including life itself)

  1. _When people say_

_ our love won't _

_ last forever _

_ it sounds like _

_ they think _

_ anything will. _

Iori always seems a bit too scared of the end, of many things but especially of two in particular: IDOLiSH7, and their relationship. It's a bit too much fear for his own good, and Riku wishes he could help his beloved get over it.

It's not like he can  _ promise _ the end will never come. Rather, Riku has learned in his relatively short life  <strike> that could have turned out to be even shorter many times already </strike> that things will end. He can know nothing else about anything other than it will not last forever.

That's why he came to think that what really matters is not the past, or the future, or  _ how much _ things last in the end, but the present and what they mean to you.

Everything is transient, and while he'd hate to live on memories alone, he still knows even that would be better than to be constantly afraid of the most natural, unavoidable thing in the world: endings.

He always wants to hold Iori's hand, hug him tight, so that if he ever has to live on memories he'll have good ones. He wants to remember the way his lips feel and the warmth of his body on cold nights, and his smile when he's so happy he can't hide it, and even more when he feels so blessed he actually stops trying.

(The way his eyes shine when he looks at Riku singing. The way his fingers fidget just a bit when he's feeling shy.)

Because he knows nothing is eternal, everything is mortal and things don't last forever, Riku has learned that he needs to enjoy the things he loves while he has them, while he gets to live whatever dream he has, and treasure it all so much even just the memory of something dear will make him happy when it's not there.

  
Or when  _ Riku _ isn't there anymore.


	10. 561. sousuke/otoharu (otoharu pov)

  1. _everyone says you_

_ have a heart of ice _

_ but they're only _

_ half right. _

_ you have _

_ a heart of ice _

_ cream. _

Everyone thinks that Sousuke Yaotome is an intimidating man, cold and heartless, who only cares about business and money. Everyone thinks he's someone who shouldn't be messed with, and they're right, but also very wrong, about him - Otoharu knows not only how strong Sousuke is, but also how sweet he can be.

To be fair, he doesn't think a lot of people got to see that part of him that cares too much, because he's the kind of man that takes everything seriously and he also makes it his personal goal to look as scary as possible. Otoharu understands this, even when his own approach to control is more related to keeping an eye on everything he wants to protect.

No, no one knows how sweet Sousuke can be when he thinks Otoharu is still sleeping, or even when Musubi was still alive, and it's a bit sad that he won't show it to avoid losing face. Just to pretend he's untouchable, invulnerable, unreachable.

If only he slipped once in a while, maybe he wouldn't have half the problems he's got, is all Otoharu thinks. If he just softened up occasionally, even just once, no one would doubt he's strong - rather, maybe he'd finally understand his real strength was never being in control, or scaring everyone into obedience.

Sousuke's real strength, in Otoharu's eyes, is that no matter how many mistakes he makes, he's still a good man, one Otoharu can trust to make the right choice in the end.


	11. 626. yamato

  1. _There should be a word_

_ for the things we do _

_ not because we want to _

_ but because we want _

_ to be the kind of person _

_ who wants to. _

Being around IDOLiSH7 is simultaneously the best and worst thing in the world for Yamato.

He loves them, and would do anything to protect them and make them happy, and he wouldn't change that life for anything in the world.

But at the same time, he knows he's not like them. 

Everyone else in IDOLiSH7, manager included, are so innocent and earnest, always doing their best to make their dreams come true but more than ready to fight for anyone else's. They're always thinking of nice things to do for their friends, for their fans, for the staff in any show they're invited to...

Yamato isn't exactly selfish, but he might be a bit self-absorbed and certainly not so willing to work hard. He'd rather not meddle in people's affairs, and since before meeting them he was a really bitter person, he still finds parts of that hatred in himself sometimes. He feels like he's been tainted for a long while now, and the brightness of these kids is a bit too much for him.

He can't match it.

But he wants to be able to be unapologetical about how much he cares about them. He wants to be able to see someone in trouble and just jump to their rescue like them. He wants to accept their love casually, to feel worthy of it.

And when all of IDOLiSH7, especially Tsumugi, are working hard to make him feel pure again, it makes him want to try. He can't erase what he's been through, but he wants to get over that bitterness and be like the rest of his team, this dazzling rainbow he's protecting.


	12. 1999. haruki/zero (haruki pov)

  1. _I wish being in love_

_ was enough. _

_ I wish it counted _

_ for anything at all. _

It's not often that Haruki finds himself feeling bitter. He usually keeps the heartbreak under control by covering it with other worries or a cheerful melody.

But no matter how much he loves Zero, it doesn't change the fact that he was left behind. No matter how much he tries to act like he's completely over it, he's turned the page and doesn't mind, he only wants to see Zero again... it can't change the fact that he's not there with him.

He was always okay with knowing next to nothing about the most important person in his life, when he thought he meant something to him to. But whatever he meant to Zero wasn't enough to keep him by his side, or even to make him think of reaching out in  _ fifteen whole fucking years _ . Let alone think about talking with Haruki before leaving, to begin with.

No amount of anger or bitterness, directed to Zero or to himself, changes the fact that he's still pining over someone who just abandoned him without a word, a warning, a simple goodbye, or the fact that it's not the fault of the people in his life who  _ want _ to be with him if he can't love them properly.

But Haruki isn't bitter about it too often, because he knows it also isn't anyone's fault that his love for Zero wasn't enough.


	13. 854. toraharu (haruka pov)

  1. _I think up ciphers_

_ to trace onto your skin _

_ because it doesn't feel safe _

_ to just say I love you. _

'No strings attached' doesn't feel like it's enough when Haruka can feel the strings tangled around him.

'No strings attached' sounds like bullshit when he wants much more, when he thinks they're just lying to each other by even  _ pretending _ they're free, and not totally tied down by the fear that whatever they have can crumble.

Haruka doesn't want to be a little bitch and get all possessive, like he didn't know what he was getting into when he got into Torao of all people, but he's angry all the time because this, too, is fake fake  _ fake _ -

But he isn't going to be the one to say 'I love you'. He still doesn't feel safe in this relationship, he still feels like he has to protect himself. He still feels like he can still be abandoned any time, like he's not worth keeping,

but he wants to love.

He wants this to just be serious already, he wants Torao to just admit he hasn't been seeing anyone else in months already and to just say he wants Haruka to be only his too.

But such is life and trauma and Haruka doesn't want to have to be the first to say 'I love you'.


	14. 666. haruki/kujou (haruki pov)

  1. _If you died,_

_ I would go through hell _

_ to bring you back. _

_ That would be easy. _

_ I'm not sure how to deal _

_ with us just _

_ drifting apart. _

Every year, establishing what their relationship  _ is _ exactly gets harder for Haruki, but he knows Takamasa still has a special place in his heart, and always will.

They rarely see each other face to face nowadays, and barely even text, too busy living their own lives. Haruki can physically feel the distance growing bigger and bigger with ever year that passes since they decided to part ways, and sometimes he doesn't know what to do with the yearning he feels, both for Zero and for Takamasa.

He wishes he could just text him and get a reply immediately, or call him and hear his voice, but everything in their relationship is erratic, unpredictable. It keeps him on his toes and part of Haruki loves it - the one that isn't going a bit crazy wondering if he'll even get to see him one last time, anyway.

But the distance isn't the only unpredictable thing about their relationship, and Haruki wonders exactly where he's standing right now. He tries to make peace with the fact that maybe before he knows he'll be dead, but it's harder when he doesn't know if the last words from Takamasa then will be 'I miss you too' or 'You need to stop asking for things from me, you traitor'.


	15. 557. banmomoyuki (yuki pov)

  1. _Ok, ok, you don't_

_ think 'threepover' _

_ is funny. _

_ But I still want to _

_ sleep with you both. _

_ How do we make this right? _

As much as he has the tendency to laugh at pretty much everything, Yuki  _ really _ doesn't like being laughed at when he's being serious.

He thought Momo and Banri out of all people would know, but he also knows they'll both brush it off easily and explain themselves to avoid hurting Yuki.

"Aaah, sorry, darling, sorry! It was just such a Yuki-ish word I couldn't help it, it's so cute!" Momo hugs him when he finally recovers his breath, smile so bright Yuki has to try his best to look even a bit offended.

" _ 'Threepover' _ ? Really, Yuki?  _ Really _ ??" Banri doesn't look apologetic in the slightest, as expected, and when Yuki pouts he just stretches his cheek smiling smugly.

"I mean it, though" Yuki is embarrassed now, and all his courage just went 'poof' with the reaction of those two. He looks away, shyly, and starts wishing earth just swallows him or something.

He sees Momo and Banri look at each other awkwardly, in that extra polite and considerate way they have when they're around each other, and he can already see them doing it but Yuki still explodes in laughter when they answer in perfect unison "Well, if he doesn't mind..."

Yuki isn't even thinking about how this is the perfect revenge, he just laughs until he's breathless because he  _ knew _ they'd do that, but somehow they didn't. Even now their reaction is very coordinated, both looking like they could kill him, and he has to hold back on making things worse because they both look  _ so cute _ when they're mad.

"Sorry, it's just so  _ cute _ how you two just need to have a gooood, long talk already" he wants to be less condescending, but any less than that would sound frustrated (because he is, those two really need to  _ fucking spit it out _ and they have for years now), but he hugs Momo back while he and Banri turn a really funny shade of red.

"Like you're one to talk!" they answer in unison once more, and Yuki tries to keep the chuckles down but he can't and ends up laughing out loud again.

Momo and Banri, completely red, end up giving up on trying to answer to Yuki's point and just roast him together, but it can't hurt Yuki when he keeps laughing at them.

He can't believe he thought this would be painful. He'll be fine, and they'll be fine too. It was scary to bring this up, but they're all going to be fine after all.


	16. 1129. haruki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very subtly implied haruki/kujou/zero, sorry it's almost invisible lol

  1. _you and me will_

_ die the way we lived, _

_ telling ourselves stories _

_ to make it mean something. _

Even when you need to give up on them, dreams are something beautiful. Maybe that's why Haruki doesn't know how to stop dreaming.

Of course, that doesn't mean he isn't aware the world doesn't work like that - changing it is a very big dream, and really hard to achieve. It was never something he could do on his own, and he is on his own now.

That one dream is on standby for him, for them. There's little, if anything at all, that he can do to make it true now. But if the legend they made can at least inspire the future generations, maybe one of them  _ can _ .

He thinks he can trust Takamasa to make sure they'll become eternal. If he can do just that, then Haruki will keep believing meeting them was fate. If it's not just his heart screaming that the years they spent together and the love they shared is enough...

(even if it was only his heart, Haruki will still believe it)

By now, he has to focus on dreams he can reach with his own hands, and hope these are dreams that can come true.


	17. 118. tennriku (riku pov)

  1. _when a person_

_ finds their calling _

_ god shines _

_ through them _

_ like John Prine _

_ singing sad songs _

_ like you _

_ loving _

_ someone new _

Even if they had never met again, Tenn is happy with TRIGGER in a way that he never was with him, and this is the hardest pill Riku has ever had to swallow.

It's undeniable when Riku learns that Tenn is a very different person with them than the perfect older brother he knew, and when Tenn starts warming up to him again and it's clear that he didn't change with the years, Riku just has to accept it: his Tenn is not the same Tenn TRIGGER knows and loves.

Riku can wonder day and night if it's because they're older than him and not ill, and he doesn't have to take care of them, and he can just be himself, be more free than when he's with Riku, but it's not something he can change. He wishes he could offer the same TRIGGER gives Tenn to make him so happy, but when all he has are theories, it's all useless.

The truth is Tenn is happy with TRIGGER, the life he has with them now, and he wouldn't change them for anything in the world, nor anything he ever had before.

And the worst part is he loves them in a way Riku can only wish Tenn loved him.


	18. 1113. tamaio (tamaki pov

  1. _I don't know_

_ what the fuck _

_ true love even is _

_ but I do want _

_ to hang out with you _

_ for basically the rest _

_ of my life. _

One day, Tamaki realizes the words he knows are not enough to explain how he feels about Iori anymore.

He knows they're classmates, and partners in IDOLiSH7, and friends, but that doesn't cut it. There's something else in the bubbly happiness he feels when he's with Iori, and the lazy warmth he feels when he leans on him and waits until the complaints fade.

Sometimes he gets the urge to kiss Iori and they end up cuddling in a weird mess in the floor instead of following Iori's advice and moving to the bed because Tamaki doesn't want to stop. He knows he can win easily if he just insists a bit and that makes him even more happy.

If this is love, maybe Tamaki understands what the big deal is now. But even if it isn't, he doesn't want to feel anything else about Iori anymore.


	19. 292. tennriku (riku pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pre-canon riku thinking about tenn´s absence

  1. _I hate trying_

_ to put my desire _

_ into words _

_ when my body _

_ knows exactly _

_ what to say. _

_ Come home. _

For Riku, missing Tenn is something that never gets old.

It started as simple as every feeling Riku had when he was younger. He missed his brother, and he couldn't make sense of not having him by his side. He couldn't understand why Tenn left.

But because he had no possible reasons for Tenn's actions, no explanation or even an answer to his hypotheses, those simple feelings started turning murky, difficult to understand even for Riku himself. It became scary, because he doesn’t want to think about why he’s so distraught. If he thinks of Tenn as his twin, it makes sense, so there’s no need for Riku to face the other possibility. No need to wonder why he misses Tenn much more during the night than the day, and especially when he’s all alone in his room, the one he thought he’d finally get to share with Tenn now that he wasn’t spending most nights in a hospital bed.

And as the days went by and turned into months and finally years, those complicated feelings diluted into a routine: missing Tenn, hating him for abandoning  <strike> him </strike> them, missing him and loving him again...

Thinking of Tenn is too painful, but Riku doesn't want it to be taboo either. He just doesn't know what to say about him, so talking about it is hard. He never knows if he'll start saying something good only to be consumed by rage in the middle of the same sentence.

He doesn't want to mourn someone who’s still alive and doing great without him.


	20. 141. setnagi (set pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for light blood/knife play

  1. _email me dirty pictures_

_ of you with my name _

_ in marker everywhere _

_ I get crazy thinking _

_ about your eyes when _

_ you cry _

_ I miss you all wrong. _

When Nagi leaves, Set thought he'd be fine. The truth is, being fine would be the ideal, especially considering he didn't even miss Nagi.

No, the one thing that bothers him is how he can't really pick a good memory, anything that would make him miss Nagi sincerely. Somehow, the happiest memories he can think of with his little brother are about hurting him. About exerting his power over Nagi, making sure he understands he's in Set's hands, and if he amounts to anything it's thanks to his dear older brother.

As messed up as it sounds, when he tries to think of one thing he misses about Nagi, all he comes up with are the many times he felt humiliated by his genius little brother, who could master anything he tried to learn in an insanely short time. Almost as if Nagi got used to having unstable resources depending on Set's whims, and it made tormenting him each time harder.

He loves Nagi, but having him around gets frustrating easily, and before he can stop himself, rationalize that he might be going too far, he starts fantasizing of something he never dared do to Nagi, something he physically can't bring himself to do: he thinks of hurting him.

Not his heart, his psyche, his impressionable, developing mind. He thinks of hurting Nagi's body, not just with his teeth and his nails. Before he can wonder why he feels such a strong destructive impulse, he can almost feel the weight of the knife in his hand, he can almost see the blood dripping from Nagi's beautiful skin. From the elegant letters of his own name all over Nagi's body.

This can't be right, and it's a fantasy so radical he's almost judging himself, but it's so arousing he stops fighting the urge until he's satisfied.


	21. 863. setnagi (nagi pov)

  1. _When I look at you,_

_ I can't help but think _

_ Hell must be missing an angel. _

It becomes each time less and less frequent as he grows up, but when Nagi wakes up next to Set he can't help looking at him for a long while.

The sun shining on his pale skin and almost white hair is so beautiful it almost makes up for the fact that his marvelous eyes are closed. But those are also icy eyes, revealing the coldness his brother can hide when he's sleeping and harmless, so maybe it’s more of a blessing.

Nagi can't help feeling amazed at such beauty, tempted to caress that face delicately, to kiss those lips softly, but he knows that would likely break the spell. And then Nagi would find himself regretting he can't keep this image of his brother forever, never tainted by the cruelty he's capable of when he's awake.

It's such a shame, how someone who looks so angelical can be so, so toxic.


	22. 660. yuki

  1. _If I could fly_

_ I would never land. _

_ I would be free. _

_ One day I'll realize _

_ that's a metaphor, _

_ not a fantasy. _

For Yuki, throughout all his life and all the trouble he's been through, there's one contradiction he can never solve and it drives him just a bit crazy.

He always wanted to be free, and for him, that means never tying himself to anything or anyone. But at the same time, that feels too lonely. He thought being alone was nice once, but that was a long time ago, and now he can't stand the idea of losing those he loves.

The thing is dealing with people comes with a price, and Yuki doesn't want to have to pay it, at least fully. And no one seems to understand what he means by that.

It's as simple as just wanting those he loves to fucking trust him already, to stop thinking of him as some fleeting thing that will eventually leave their lives. He really, really wants to just be himself freely, without having to think twice about the things he says or does and how other people will take it. Mainly because, yes, he sucks at it even when he tries.

He doesn't want to have to try anyway. He just wants to be unapologetically Yuki.


	23. 579. mitsuyama (yamato pov)

  1. _I'm sorry about_

_ those late night emails. _

_ I only said those things _

_ because I was too drunk _

_ to be afraid. _

Yamato never thought he'd say something like that, but his hangover that morning was the last thing he had to worry about.

As much as waking up felt awful, when he checked his phone to see what time it was now that he was finally going to get up, what he found made him want to die right then and there.

Okay, maybe sending nudes and dick pics (not 'or',  _ 'and' _ ) wouldn't be so bad, even if it was to someone he lived with and had to see everyday, but it was Mitsuki. He'd understand the shame of doing something stupid while excessively drunk. He might tease him a bit and laugh in his face, but he'd probably keep the secret and not take it too seriously.

That kind of things were embarrassing, but it wouldn't be a first and his youth had prepared him to deal with it. But he really considered never going out of his room again when he scrolled down the conversation to see if that was all. It wasn't.

Why drunk Yamato thought sending selfies smooching Mitsuki plushies to him was okay, or made any sense at all, he didn't care. He had no words, and the ones drunk Yamato had to say last night made him throw his phone to the other side of the room.

How was he going to face Mitsuki after sending him all of that and writing a full-of-typos-but-heartfelt confession? All he was asking for when he checked the rest of messages from last night was a bit of dignity, but apparently he couldn't spare himself even that when he drank too much.

He didn't know if he was glad Mitsuki had some kind of party last night and so he couldn't go talk to Yamato about that mess right when it was happening, or if that made things harder because he had to face him sober. And that was something he wasn't sure he'd survive.

Fortunately, when he actually walked out of his room and into the living room, the first thing Mitsuki said was just "Hey. How dead are you, old man?"

Yamato considered not bringing the thing up immediately, but he couldn't help being a bit dramatic, and, after a short pause, answered "Not as much as I wish"

Mitsuki laughed a bit too loudly, even though he usually tried to be as quiet as possible when he knew someone had been drinking last night, knowing well that no one was ever careful with alcohol in their dorm.

"Fine, but it's not the end of the world or anything, you know?" he still sounded really patient with him as he prepared some food in the kitchen, not even looking at Yamato (thank god).

"Yeah, okay, whatever" Yamato had no idea how to make a sentence so he just threw a few words together and hoped Mitsuki would leave it at that. Unfortunately, he didn't.

"It's okay that you like dudes, yeah?" Mitsuki sounded really nonchalant, and if that wasn't bad enough he added "And if you want something you should say it"

Yamato couldn't help hiding a bit on the couch when he heard Mitsuki being so blatant about it all. He didn't realize it himself, but he must have made some kind of discontent noise, because he heard Mitsuki chuckling under his breath.

"You don't want to talk about it?" he said, and Yamato could almost see him turning to look his way even from his hiding place. He made some kind of noncommittal noise, and Mitsuki sighed "Ok, what do you wanna do then?"

Of course, 'you' would have been the obvious reply had Yamato not added a lot of feelings to last night's inappropriate rabbit chats. Instead, he went for a more casual "How do  _ you _ feel about dudes, then?"

Mitsuki sighed again and Yamato could maybe feel him rolling his eyes "I'm fine with it, done some before and might do it again if I feel like it. So?"

As reassuring as it felt to hear that, Yamato felt his heart jumping just at the mere thought of having to talk about his feelings after making a mistake as terrible as last night's texts. He considered his options, begged his head to stop throbbing for a second, wondered what could be the worst that could happen, panicked while thinking about some of those, then finally got up... and crashed against a wall accidentally.

He heard Mitsuki's laugh coming closer to him and felt his arm holding him in place so he wouldn't trip again before feeling warm lips over his.

And Yamato might or might not have panicked at that too, but at least he had a wall nearby to use as support and Mitsuki's arm, which moved to his waist in a swift, natural motion.

It was over too quickly, and it almost made Yamato feel like a wuss for being so scared of it. He still felt a bit dizzy, but he wasn't sure why anymore. 

"I want to try if you're okay with it" Mitsuki's words, thanks to whichever deity protected spineless cowards like Yamato, were vague and ambiguous enough to jump into things casually, making no promises or compromises.

If he could start with the things he was comfortable with, then ease himself into the idea of a serious relationship, then maybe he could do it. Maybe if it was with someone willing to put up with Yamato answering not with words but with another kiss then this could be okay.


	24. 1001. toumina (touma pov)

  1. _If I could be an expert_

_ in just one arcane _

_ and madness-inducing _

_ field of study _

_ it would be you. _

Touma cares so much, so deeply about Minami, and he wants to protect him so bad, and the one thing he wants from him is just to become closer, to know more about him. There's just one problem:

at least half the time, he doesn't understand Minami at all.

Like, _ at all _ , seriously, because he has no clue what's going on in his head, what he did wrong, if it's something _ he _ did to begin with, or if it's something _ wrong _ and not something he did so right Minami is just taking his time to assimilate it as reality.

The other half of the time, Touma feels like he's pretty close to solving the enigma, to unveiling the mystery, and he's almost proud of himself - but right before he claims victory, Minami gets tired of playing games and decides time's over, showing the answer in his own attempt at closing the distance between them.

And Touma appreciates that, of course, but it always makes him feel like he failed and that's not good. He wants to be able to see things clearly like Minami sees so much in people's facial features, read him like Minami reads the lines in people's hands, predict his reaction to things before they happen like Minami understands the prophecies in the stars.

Whatever it takes, he wants to understand Minami. And every day, he feels like he's closer by the time game's over, so maybe next time is the one he'll win.


	25. 637. ryoumomo (momo pov)

  1. _I know you don't love me_

_ but there must be _

_ something I can do _

_ to make you _

_ a better person. _

If there is one thing Momo finds difficult to the point of thinking it might be impossible for him to do, it's abandoning someone who believes in him, even when it would be the best for everyone involved.

He's not stupid. He can see clearly that Ryou is not... someone he should take lightly, at least. When he first believed he was probably a really nice person because he helped Momo without any reason to do so, time showed Momo why he should be wary of excessive kindness.

And in some moments, even Momo himself wondered if maybe, maybe, Ryou  _ did _ love him genuinely, but was unable to show it in a healthy way. Whichever reason he had to be as messed up as only he and maybe a few chosen ones can be, Momo would be okay with helping him if he needed it. If there was anything he could do, he wanted to try making him happy.

But in the end, when it comes down to it, Momo has to acknowledge Ryou isn't a troubled but ultimately good person - he's just fucked up, if there's any kindness in him it will always come at a high cost, and if he's capable of love at all, whatever it is he feels for Momo isn't that. He doesn't love Momo, he just loves the idea of Momo loving him, and that means he needs to change his approach.

Momo isn't stupid, but he can't leave things halfway. Even if it gets him in danger, even if no one else understands why he's going so far, he's decided to help make Ryou at least a normal jerk rather than evil incarnate. For the good of everyone that ever needs to be in contact with him, and for the sake of maybe letting him love someone else sincerely in the future.


	26. 1037. setnagi (set pov)

  1. _I hate to see you leave_

_ but I _

_ kind of hate it when _

_ you're here, too. _

Nagi's absence feels both sad and infuriating in a way only the deepest, most unexpected betrayal can feel.

Set wonders if he should have expected it, actually, if it was something he could have prevented. More often than not, he comes to the conclusion that it's probably just a temper tantrum, that Nagi will eventually miss him and come back on his own.

But it's impossible for Set to discern his own reaction to that. To the possibility of Nagi returning.

Without Nagi, there's hardly anyone in the palace who both knows him and cares about him truly. Set finds himself feeling desolated sometimes because he can't find a single soul that loves him, and that invariably makes him wonder if anything would change if Nagi was there.

And even if it did, even if he could believe Nagi still loves him, he can't guarantee he'd be 100% happy to be with him. He can't make up his mind on whether it'd be worth the bother, if he asked Nagi to come back, when he isn't sure that's what he wants.

He can't accept Nagi leaving, but he can't stand having him around either. The best case scenario he can think of is if his little brother had never been born to begin with, because now that he's alive he can't say for sure that Nagi dying would make him happy either.


	27. 1042. banrin (banri pov)

  1. _Relationships are_

_ hard work _

_ for very little pay. _

_ I say we unionize. _

When Banri gets tired of alternating hot coffee with cold energy drinks, when his exhausted, sleep-deprived mind starts wondering what would happen if he mixed both, he decides to go for the best resource he's got to stay awake.

If Banri knows him well (and he thinks he's qualified to say  _ he does _ ), Rinto should still be awake, in the exact same situation he is in right now.  _ If _ he is, he'll answer his text quickly, and if he's working he'll likely appreciate the company.

Rinto's reply is as quick as he expected, an obvious text template, which could come across as cold to anyone else but it's so like him that it always gives Banri a very warm feeling.

They're rarely emotional, because it's not their style of relationship, but they both know that voice calls have the magic to keep them engaged no matter how many hours they've been awake and working. So, when Banri gets the expected 'yes', he makes the call.

"Hey. How long until you can sleep?" Rinto's voice sounds really tired, and Banri laughs a bit when he tries to imagine what Re:vale put him through the rest of the day before being shooed to bed so they can get their beauty sleep.

"I'll still be here for a while" Banri looks at the piles of paperwork he still hasn't even touched and takes the chance to stretch, almost scared when half his body cracks "How much do you have left?"

He can hear the distinct sound of paper shuffling for a few seconds before he gets a reply "A quick guess says at least another hour"

Banri throws his head back, blinks a few times and laughs. He opens another can of his energy drink of choice near the phone so Rinto will hear and cheers "Let's do our best tonight too"

He hears Rinto's soft 'cheers' on the speaker as he raises the can. They hardly talk much while working, save for asking if the other is still awake every few minutes, and that night isn't different. Other than the privilege of getting to hear Rinto's soft curses and complaints as his brain starts slowing down, and his embarrassed laugh when Banri blows him a kiss on speaker to calm him down, it's not something particularly romantic.

But it works for them. It helps them hold up until they get a break and have time for themselves, and can actually have couple time. It helps them be functional when they'd have a hard time even staying awake otherwise, which is something both of them appreciate a lot.

And over all, it's just their special thing.


	28. 189. zool

  1. _Gandhi said_

_ 'be the change _

_ you want to see _

_ in the world.' _

_ fuck that _

_ be the trouble _

_ you want to see _

_ in the world _

Some people want to be inspiring, some want to make the world a better place and turn all their pain into beauty, into the driving force for change. Some people are faced with their demons and with temptation and they reject it, they fight all the negativity and hurt inside them to become a feel good story.

ZOOL isn't made of people like that.

All four of them are together because they had a vendetta with the world, and the thing that joined them is that all of them were offered a deal with the devil and took it.

Why be a beacon of good and peace? Why become an example of how far you can go if you suck it up and keep  _ trying and trying and trying _ without ever biting the hand that's hitting you? Why not tear apart the faces of those who smile sweetly while they hide the knife they'll use to stab you as soon as you lower your guard?

No, they don't want to change the world because the world can't change. The world is beyond saving, and all they want before it all dies is revenge on the ones who wronged them personally, as one final satisfaction after much broken promises.

The world can go fuck itself. ZOOL is here to help destroy it faster.


	29. 121. thornagi (thorvald pov)

  1. _through your bedroom window_

_ you look so sad at night _

_ and I imagine _

_ that I am what you need, _

_ but realize _

_ that's crazy _

Even more than all the political turmoil in his country, all the illness and pain and even the poverty in all of the planet, even more than everything that has ever hurt him and ever will, there's one thing that keeps Thorvald awake sometimes.

He can't help but worry about Nagi, because his prince doesn't look like he's precisely happy. There's things that make him happy, but it only lasts for a moment, and then Thorvald is pretty sure he sees Nagi hiding away other emotions, ones he doesn't want anyone to see.

Thorvald wishes there was anything he could do to help. If relieving Nagi of work, giving him time to watch anime or just have some time for himself, was good enough, he wouldn't mind working overtime. If keeping him company and listening to him was good enough, Thorvald would be more than delighted to do so. Even if what Nagi needed was more intimate, if it would make him happy, Thorvald would do whatever he asked for.

But when his prince is in a bad mood, it seems like the last person he wants around is Thorvald. Nagi always tells him to go, harshly, like Thorvald is just a nuisance, like his mere presence upsets him more.

The most frustrating feeling Thorvald has ever felt isn't even unrequited love, it's just being unable to do anything to be of use to his beloved.


	30. 1201. momoyuki (momo pov)

  1. _I am not good_

_ enough for you. _

_ But if I were, _

_ would I still _

_ feel this way? _

Sometimes, Momo is hit with the realization that a big part of his feelings for Yuki come from the deep, profound admiration he feels for him. Like, it has to be at least 85%?

It's something he knows, both consciously and subconsciously, but he tries not to think too much about it. Overthinking his feelings isn't something he finds necessary  <strike> not when he has other people's feelings to overthink! </strike> .

When he  _ does _ think about it, he still doesn't believe it's an important fact. Yes, he loves Yuki because he admires him, of course. With how Momo has  _ always _ been, could he fall for someone he doesn't look up to? Someone he doesn't respect from the bottom of his heart?

But it's not something he needs to keep in mind, is what he thinks, because even if was at Yuki's level, even if he objectively was worthy from the beginning  <strike> or ever </strike> of Yuki's love, he's pretty sure he'd still feel humbled by everything Yuki is. He'd still feel blessed by any little thing he got from him, he'd still be as devoted as he is right now.

Momo knows Yuki would probably feel horrified to learn about this internal reasoning, and would try to change things. And that's the number one reason why he finds thinking about his feelings for Yuki unnecessary, when all he needs to do is let his heart reign when it comes to their relationship.


	31. 263. tenn

  1. _I sing anyway._

Throughout all of his life, through all the trouble he's ever been in, ever since he was a kid, there is one thing and only  _ one _ thing that Tenn has always done: sing.

Everything he had to fix, he'd always fix it through his performances - from bribing Riku to stay in bed to every difficulty he had to face as one third of TRIGGER, all Tenn knew how to do to solve his problems in life was push ahead. And for him, moving on means to keep on singing.

With Gaku and Ryuu by his side, at least he knows he's not alone now. With their support, it's not just wishful thinking when all he can do is sing and he still feels it's enough, it's all he has to do.

Tenn focusing on being the perfect idol his fans love is enough, for them and for him.


	32. 946. mitsuyama (mitsuki pov)

  1. _You and I will never_

_ be a great love story. _

_ That's okay! _

_ Let's see what kind _

_ of story we'll be. _

Sometimes, Mitsuki really feels like judging himself for falling so hard for someone with the emotional intelligence of an amoeba. Sometimes, he really wonders if it's a subtle sign of masochism.

It's only been a week since Mitsuki told Yamato he wanted to go serious on their pretty vague, ambiguously open, very not-serious relationship. Saying he wanted to settle down and have a relationship and not just a shrug with casual sex wasn't a crime, but Yamato's face during all their talk made him feel like a murderer or something.

He said 'yes' that time, but he's acting impossibly awkward around Mitsuki now, and he really can't help snapping and yelling in an outburst of frustration "What's wrong with you anyway?!"

"Nothing's wrong with me?! Why are you yelling??" Yamato gets predictably defensive, but it only makes Mitsuki feel more frustrated, so he holds Yamato's hand and counts to three out loud, knowing he'll join without even being prompted.

"Okay, I think I calmed down now!" Mitsuki slaps his own cheeks to focus and to vent the rest of frustration so he can have a constructive talk with Yamato instead of a fight. When he catches Yamato staring, guilty look on his face as always, he moves his hands to  _ his _ face instead, squeezing lightly "It's fine, but really. You said it's okay, so? Are we closer or back to step one?"

"Sorry, Mitsu" Yamato sighs, pouting so intensely Mitsuki barely hears what he says next. Prompted by the very confused face Mitsuki makes, Yamato repeats himself a bit louder but still very sheepish "I said I have no idea how to have a serious relationship"

" _ Oh _ " Mitsuki finally feels like he can understand what the problem is. He didn't expect Yamato to overthink that out of everything, but when he sees him avert his eyes he holds him by the waist and drags him closer "Oh, don't worry, I don't have  _ that much _ experience in serious relationships either?"

Yamato looks confused at that, raising an eyebrow, incredulous. Mitsuki smiles, reassuring, and explains "Most of mine were super casual"

There's a short silence between them, Yamato apparently trying to figure out how to explain himself, and Mitsuki snuggles on him while he waits. But after a while Yamato seems to give up and instead surrenders to the embrace.

"Hey?" Mitsuki starts, softly, when it's clear he'll have to do the talking, and waits for Yamato's hum of acknowledgement before he continues "It doesn't have to be perfect, you know? It doesn't even have to be anything like what other people calls a relationship"

Yamato seems to consider it for a while, but he sounds pretty convinced when he asks "Then what does it  _ have _ to be?"

Mitsuki knows what he's about to say could get him teased forever, but he also knows he needs to say it clearly. He needs to get this straight now or Yamato might keep convincing himself that something's wrong with them. So he just smiles up to Yamato and runs a hand through his hair affectionately.

"Isn't it obvious? It just has to be us in love with each other"

The face Yamato makes, blushing up to the ears and gaping like a fish out of water (and he probably is completely out of breath for at least a second, so that's  _ exactly _ what he looks like), is almost as adorable as is funny, but Mitsuki can still act a bit offended even in between the giggles.

"Heeeey! I know it sounds cheesy but it's true!"

"I know" Yamato smiles like he's also trying to hold back the laughter, still impossibly red but at least capable of talking. His smile turns a bit nervous as he gulps and braces for impact, but he doesn't look away as he says "I love you, Mitsu"

It takes Mitsuki a solid minute to stop crying, and Yamato's worried kisses on his face and head and the way he hugs him and tries to get him to just  _ stop _ is almost funny when he finally calms down, but he can't think of something more like them to remember the first time Yamato confesses his feelings.


	33. 547. setnagi (nagi pov)

  1. _I feel terrible_

_ when I let you down. _

_ And I let you down _

_ every single time, _

_ so maybe you ought _

_ to suck it up. _

Nagi can't think of a better analogy for his relationship with his brother than a maze, one more intricate than Crete's labyrinth: he has no idea where he's standing, he rarely knows what to do, and the more time he spends there the more it looks like there simply is no way out.

All of those precepts are true at any given time, and so Nagi decides worrying about it is just not worth the effort. He can say he already did enough - he tried all he could, but nothing will work until Set makes up his mind once and for all.

After all, how could Nagi ever know what to do to make his brother happy and proud of him when being successful makes Set bitter, when Nagi's achievements make his dear brother resentful of him, while at the same time that talent is what makes Nagi necessary? He isn't sure why he needs to be patient when he's the youngest of them to begin with, but even when he wants to be, it's no use: he's hated for his skills, but he also needs to be reliable and always ready to work.

It's not Nagi's fault if he thinks their relationship is just doomed to fail. If he thinks it's unsalvageable. If he just ends up doing whatever Set asks of him just so he'll leave him alone, all while becoming resentful of his brother himself.


	34. 1209. momoyuki (yuki pov)

  1. _love is stupid_

_ happiness is admitting _

_ we aren't better _

_ than stupid. _

It's only after the twelfth time he thinks of Momo that day that Yuki stops to think about it. This isn't the first time since he met Momo that the thought crosses his mind either, and it's every day more evident: love really has him stupid.

He's been under the stranglehold of this feeling for years now, and it's not something he'll escape any time soon, even if he cared enough to  _ try _ .

But there's no reason for him to, not even pride. He knows he's acting like an idiot 24/7, unable to stop thinking about Momo every waking hour. Much like a teenager in love, everything reminds Yuki of him, despite the amazing, spectacular fact that it's already been about seven years since they met for the first time, five since they (re)started Re:vale together and three wonderful years since they started officially dating.

If anything, rather than ever getting over it, Yuki feels like he's making things even worse on purpose, like he's laughing in the face of his younger self, the one who thought love was pointless and ridiculous.

So what if Yuki is being stupid? So what, when he's so happy. That's something he would have never managed if he didn't let himself surrender to the joy of falling in love.


	35. 917. ioriku

  1. _We talk in the dark_

_ as we fall asleep, _

_ and we are objects in _

_ the night sky _

_ outside of time. _

There's a clear image in their heads of what an ideal relationship would be like, the love and the moments shared, the alone time they need to just feel each other and  _ exist _ , the time stopping when they're together.

But Iori and Riku learn, faster than they'd like to, that if they're going to thrive they have to say goodbye to the ideal of love. The world isn't ideal, and much less for idols - there's always something to do, somewhere to be, sometimes together but unable to focus on anything but work, sometimes miles apart.

There's days they barely see each other, and there's days they don't even meet briefly. When they  _ are _ together and it isn't in the rush of work, it's in their crowded dorm, lively but also extremely distracting.

But there's usually a saving grace to hustle of busy days. There's always a moment, the nights right before their jobs together, when they're all alone.

It's a fleeting moment they can steal from their lives to huddle in a single bed, a beautiful moment when all they can hear is the faint breath of the other and it almost feels like time truly stops. That moment feels like the only one that exists, like the only thing in the world is the other, half asleep form sharing the same warmth, until both are lost in their dreams and time starts moving again.


	36. 989. momoyuki (momo pov)

  1. _I don't know how_

_ to make things right. _

_ So I'll just keep _

_ pretending _

_ that nothing's wrong. _

'Denial' is not the word Momo wants to use, but maybe that's also another form of denial.

The thing isn't that there's anything wrong in his relationship with Yuki, of course. The thing is he doesn't know how to make it right.

Because it's not that Momo hasn't or doesn't  _ want _ to think about them, those tiny little issues that don't even deserve time of his day. The thing is that Yuki keeps trying to bring them up sometimes, occasionally, like they matter at all.

The thing is that it's getting harder to change the subject. The thing is that it's getting harder to make Yuki  _ believe _ in Momo's polished, practiced smile in those moments, the one that says not that everything will be okay but that it is,  _ right now _ . That nothing's wrong.

The thing is that it's getting every time harder to convince himself that there's nothing to fix here, and there’s no smile or sweet voice to fool himself.


	37. 656. capella/vega (capella pov)

  1. _You are beautiful_

_ when you sleep. _

_ But it's getting a bit old. _

_ Please wake up. _

Capella would call himself a patient man. He knows good things come to those who wait, and he has no shortage of methods to keep himself calm.

But it's been a long time waiting now and Vega still won't wake up. No matter how much he looks at Vega's beautiful sleeping face or how much he tries to ignore his laying shape, no matter how long he waits for the day he finally opens his eyes, it doesn't seem to be coming any closer. 

And Capella tries to let the frustration go in each of his tired sighs, but nowadays most of his breaths come out like that and it's eroding on his patience. Not only that - he wants to protect the world Vega sacrificed himself for, the balance of this fragile galaxy, but the more the days without him go by the less love he feels for it.

If Vega knew he'd probably be disappointed. If he was awake he'd probably look at Capella with those sad eyes like before he fell into that deep sleep, and maybe he'd just sigh too.

But Capella can't even force himself to love this world Vega wanted to protect anymore. The more Vega's eyes remain closed, the more he just wishes everything would end already.


	38. 886. momo

  1. _Life is a sea of tears,_

_ but I've got me _

_ a snorkel _

_ and a treasure map! _

The most important thing Momo has learned these past years is that no matter what you do or how hard you try, there will be times when life becomes difficult, really tough, even a nightmare.

Fortunately, he has his methods to work through this, and the first and most important one is always a bright smile.

It's not empty escapism if his reaction to harshness is more sweetness: looking for positive things in the middle of a storm, actively pointing them out once he finds things to make others smile too, is a very real and effective way to survive while he finds a solution to the problem at hand (and even after that, while he works on making it happen).

Positivity, sometimes, becomes a weapon because it's the only one available, the only thing he can use to fight back. When teeth and nails are not enough, when there's no chance for either brute force or sly strategies, Momo knows he has to turn the sweetest relief a man can have in a tool, and that might be sad but also necessary.

And it yields good results, as tiring as it gets to dive into the darkness for a little bit of light.


	39. 614. yamariku (yamato pov)

* * *

  1. _You make me want_

_ to pretend _

_ to be a better man. _

Ever since the first time he saw Riku, Yamato knew he was the purest being in the world. Innocent, sweet, hard working and enthusiastic of life, a kind soul, a dreamer. All things Yamato was not, and could never be.

Or so he thought, at least. The time spent with IDOLiSH7 was slowly starting to prove him wrong, and specially the time spent with their center.

Because the one thing Yamato can't deny is that no matter how impure, how corrupted, how awful he is, Riku brings the best out of him. Riku's smile is so addicting he wants it to shine bright forever. Riku's eyes focused on him make it impossible for him to do anything bad, anything that could disappoint them and bring him down.

It's a terrible feeling, deep down. Yamato knows if he ever stops doing his best, if he gives up and just shows himself, his true dark and grim self, he could hurt Riku, because somehow he expects better from Yamato than he could ever be.

Fortunately for Yamato, he is good at acting. He can always pretend he is the person Riku wants him to be and make him happy.

And maybe one day, he'll fool himself into being that man Riku looks up to.


	40. 1119. harumina (minami's pov)

  1. _I love how every night_

_ before bed _

_ you kiss me, smile _

_ and say _

_ goodbye forever. _

Sometimes, Minami can't help remembering the days he spent with Haruki. The nights, however? He needs a conscious effort to avoid remembering those.

It's something he'd rather never talk about (he'd rather not admit it if he could help it), but when he's all alone in his own bed, this one that is so different to the one he shared with Haruki in Northmarea, the memories feel too real in his skin.

Minami hates feeling the ghost of Haruki's hands on his body, his lips wandering through all of it. He almost feels like he can see his seductive smile, hear his voice whispering sweet nothings right into his ear. Minami almost wants to surrender, but there's no one to give himself to.

Haruki isn't there with him, and those memories hurt because of that. The clear, distinct feeling of Haruki's body on his makes Minami feel so weak and dead inside he doesn't even feel like surrendering to himself. He doesn't even want to give in to the impulse of pleasuring himself.

Those nights he fails to keep Haruki away from his mind are so miserable. If possible, Minami would love to say goodbye to those memories once and for all.


	41. 190. haruki/kujou/zero (haruki pov)

  1. _i look at old photos_

_ and believe it's _

_ still happening _

_ 'treatable symptoms' _

_ my doctor says _

When Haruki thinks about his past, it's usually about his days with Zero and Takamasa, and it's always fondly. Even after it was all over, Zero is still a firm, almost constant presence in his mind, and Takamasa is not as constant but still much more recurrent than other people Haruki has loved in his life.

Most of the time, Haruki doesn't feel the need to meet him - just thinking about Takamasa is enough, just having him in his thoughts and wondering if (hoping that) it will reach him, that it will make him think of Haruki too. Most of the time they don't need to be together because there is a rift between them anyway, one they don't want but it remains no matter what.

The ways they handle Zero's absence, the cause of that rift, are extremely personal to them and as separate as the paths they chose, and that's a reason why they don't meet often (Haruki can only speculate about Takamasa's feelings, but he  _ does _ know that's the reason why he doesn't always reach out even when he misses him terribly). But when they are together, when they chose to pursue the need for each other, the pain of that absence hurts more than ever.

It's not easy to live with it (without Zero), but it's never as intense as it is when it's just the two of them. They feel the empty space Zero left more than ever when they're together but the last third of their perfect union isn't there with them.

Sometimes, when they try to heal their hearts through their bodies, they imagine Zero overlooking their intimacy. This isn't something they talk about but Haruki knows he's not the only one (because of the way Takamasa's eyes focus on the empty space behind Haruki's back, because of the way his body reacts when he does that), and if he lets it happen he can almost hear Zero's voice guiding him, participating indirectly in their love. Telling him to pepper Takamasa's body with kisses, to tease him with a delicate, feathery touch, to move this or that way...

(Sometimes, all they want is to feel like they're three again.)

This can't be healthy, they know it. But then again, neither of them was ever known for being stable, be it physically or mentally.


	42. 874. ioriku (iori pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for light discussion of kinks

  1. _After some further_

_ consideration, _

_ I still can't think _

_ of a single thing _

_ I don't want to do to you. _

Intimacy, it turns out, is harder to manage than Iori thought.

One thing he has learned, and probably the main reason why he finds himself in any predicament ever, is that Riku experiences sexuality in a extremely different way than Iori does. It's difficult to breach the differences because while Riku is _very_ curious when it comes to sex , he barely has any physical desire of his own, and so his wishes when it comes to intimacy are very vague.

Iori, on the other hand, burns like wildfire when he's with Riku, and he has many,  _ many _ ideas of the explicit kind... but the last thing he wants is to look like a pervert, especially when their levels of desire are so mismatched, so he always brings them up as the result of 'research' (which is not a complete lie, at least).

But the reason why, despite both being more than open to exploring new things, they haven't yet, is that Iori doesn't want to hurt Riku, and the few things Riku has actually shown interest in are the ones that  _ could _ harm him - deepthroating, choking, breath play in general.

It almost makes Iori wonder if there's something wrong with his lover, but he's too busy trying to decide what to do about it to bring it up as more than a quick jab (of the playful kind, of course).

The main problem is Iori doesn't want to blatantly lie to Riku's face that he  _ absolutely isn't interested _ in those, but he can't spit it out, that he wouldn't feel comfortable if anything bad were to happen to Riku. All Iori wants is to make him feel good, after all.

What comes as a surprise is that, while Iori was busy worrying about this dilema and turning it inside out to try and find a solution that could make them both happy, Riku finally realized Iori was struggling.

As much as Riku would be offended if he knew, it's always a surprise for Iori when he just understands what Iori is going through and offers an easy way out of his problems that he hadn't even considered. It's even more surprising that Riku seems to do this effortlessly, just casually addressing that they don't need to do anything Iori doesn't feel okay doing.

"If you don't want that then we can do something more chill!" Riku smiles, always agreeable, always eager to think of something else.

What Iori forgets in his momentary relief is that Riku's definition of 'chill' can be very strange, and that he will  _ always _ have to keep his mind from going places that aren't safe for him. But in the end, they always reach a reasonable compromise.

In the end, Iori has to ask himself how he didn't consider praise kink for someone like Riku before, but it works wonders and it so happens to give Iori an amazing excuse to tell Riku a lot of things he's been thinking about but felt too embarrassed to say, so that settles that.


	43. 1074. momoyuki (yuki pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no doubt/mission au momoyuki!

  1. _you're the prime suspect_

_ in the kidnapping _

_ of my heart. _

_ and I do not negotiate _

_ with terrorists. _

Yukito has always considered himself a professional over all things, and so this predicament is something he can't tolerate.

He works in an extremely serious field, where lives are at stake. He can't allow himself to become distracted because of vapid reasons like lust or desire.

And yet he does.

The extent to which he wants to die and kill that stupid terrorist simultaneously every time they meet is about the same. Yukito hates feeling so attracted to someone who's doing so much harm, he despises how easily that man slips away from between his hands right when he thinks he caught him and after all the effort it takes to actually focus when it comes to him.

More than anything, Yukito hates how that criminal shamelessly flirts with him, and especially how much of a reaction he has to that kind of provocation.

He has never hated himself more in all his years working and yet, somehow, he can't stop his thought from wandering to that mysterious man.


	44. 134. banmomo (banri pov)

  1. _when we kiss_

_ I can hear _

_ your thoughts _

_ so I would _

_ rather we _

_ didn't _

Banri's relationship with Momo feels like a tragedy in three acts to him.

He knows that Momo loved him, that he always has. But he also knows Momo loves Yuki, and that has always felt much stronger to Banri than Momo's feelings for him.

Even when he finally managed to corner Momo and even got him to admit his feelings for him, Banri couldn't help but think that something wasn't right. Not even their first kiss could make that nagging feeling disappear completely.

It's still there when they start dating, and Banri almost feels like Momo finally belongs to him but then Yuki talks to him and it all crumbles.

It's always there, in the back of his mind, overpowering everything that tells him that Momo isn't settling. It's still there the first time they make love and Banri is sure love is exactly what's happening between them, and almost feels blessed he got to do this at least once.

By the time Banri decides to leave, that feeling of wrongness is the last thing on his mind, after all the events that finally made him reach that decision.

But when he's safe and his thoughts stop racing they wander once again to Momo and Yuki, and how now that he isn't there they're finally free to be together.


	45. 823. ryomomo (ryou pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: heavily implied non-con

  1. _Yes, this is wrong._

_ Yes, you're married. _

_ I hear what you are saying. _

_ And it is turning me on. _

There's few things Ryou cares less about than Momo's resistance to have sex.

Momo can complain all he wants, say that he's tired or not in the mood, all the way to timidly reminding Ryou he's in a committed and absolutely _not_ open relationship for all he cares. Ryou knows what's really going on.

Excuses, excuses, they're all excuses. This is nothing more than a game, nothing more and nothing less than Momo making him convince him, seduce him, to feel more important than he is.

But Ryou can play that game. If Momo keeps pretending he doesn't want to do what they both know he wants, Ryou can always reminding him how well he knows what Momo likes in bed. If saying he doesn't want to hurt his 'boyfriend' is his own version of roleplay, so be it - Ryou doesn't mind him pretending he doesn't want him, pretending he feels guilty because the shame turns him on.

Ryou can't care any less about that when he knows how much they both enjoy themselves every night they spend together.


	46. 481. banyuki (yuki pov)

  1. _Maybe I did_

_ steal your heart _

_ and I am such _

_ a perfect criminal _

_ that you never even noticed. _

When Yuki looks back on his relationship with Banri, all the way back to when they first met, he isn't sure Banri knows what 'love' actually is.

If it's true that there's ways to say 'I love you' without words, Yuki is sure Banri must have used them all during their youth together, as much as he enjoyed roasting him every chance he had.

Because no matter what Banri said about Yuki's sloppiness, his lack of manners, his eating habits, his sleeping habits, his drinking habit, his trashy relationship ethics or whatever, Banri was the one cleaning up after him, apologizing for his rudeness, dragging him out of bed on time, making sure he was taking care of his health properly, and generally doing everything he could for him. Doing everything in his power to make sure Yuki could live off of music even after he left.

Yuki can't say he's an expert or anything, but thinking back on it he has a hard time believing Banri wasn't as in love with him as he was.

Banri never said it. Banri literally denied it if asked. But even so, sometimes, when they were too fucking drunk to think, they had a really good fuck, and that was just normal for them. Those nights were something neither of them talked about beyond a joke or too, but they make Yuki believe that maybe Banri just had no idea what it means to be in love.

It's nothing but a tiny hope, but maybe Yuki just needs to bring it up with actual words again, now that they've met under different circumstances and as different men.


	47. 1068. momoyuki (i7 pov)

  1. _Marriage, _

_ the ultimate double dare. _

When the invitations arrive to Takanashi Productions, one addressed to IDOLiSH7 and one to the Takanashi family and Banri, the whole office is swarmed by murmuring voices and agitation.

"This has to be a joke" Iori checks the invitations once more, under a different kind of light, turning it over this way and the other, incredulous. He isn't the only one who can't believe what his eyes are seeing.

"This being Re:vale, I'm not sure" Yamato sighs and shrugs it off easily, rolling his eyes. Mitsuki slaps his arm lightly and goes from frowning to pouting to huffing his cheeks in about 3 seconds.

"Yeah, but I mean, this being Re:vale it  _ could _ be an elaborate joke too" Mitsuki is too uneasy to stay quiet and can't help moving his body constantly, trying to calm down.

"And what if they're  _ really _ getting married? Aren't they in love?" Riku smiles, dreamy, almost like he hasn't been an idol himself for years and is completely oblivious of the consequences it could have for them.

"They've been acting like a couple in public for ten years now, but they're still idols, Riku-kun... I'm not sure what could happen if they're serious about this..." Sougo explains, and he sounds like he hasn't slept in days even though he wasn't this tired before he walked into the idol agency.

"Isn't ten years like, a lot? Shouldn't their fans see it coming?" Tamaki plays with the spoon of his pudding while he eyes Tsumugi, who's frantically trying to contact either Re:vale or their manager.

"Where's Banri-san anyway?" Nagi follows Mitsuki around while he paces through the office, looking around for Mezzo"'s manager in the meantime without finding traces of him.

"He said he was going to meet them" Otoharu looks calm, petting Kinako like nothing's happening. Iori sighs and gives up, leaving the invite in the president's desk next to the Takanashi's.

"Manager, is no one picking up?" he walks to Tsumugi's side by the phone, careful with keeping his distance in presence of her father but visibly restless.

"N-n-n-n-not yeeeet...." Tsumugi stammers, as nervous as if she was the one who had to handle whatever would happen if the invitations were not a Re:vale level joke, probably in solidarity with Rinto.

"I just think it would be sweet if it turns out well" Riku comments, a sad smile on his face like he knows why everyone's worried but still tries to stay positive "Maybe we should ask TRIGGER if they got one too?"

"Of course you want to contact TRIGGER..." Iori's voice sounds more irritated than often, and justifiably. But just when Riku is about to argue, they hear a triumphant little noise from Tsumugi and focus on listening in to the phone conversation.

"Mhm... Mhm. I see.... Is that so..."

IDOLiSH7 exchanges confused looks with each other, trying to understand what's going on, but no one has the slightest idea, until their manager hangs up the phone and looks at them.

"Alright, everyone, listen!" Tsumugi turns to the expectant idols and takes a deep breath before announcing "Re:vale's Momo-san and Yuki-san are getting married in five months and we are also invited to a small, informal engagement party they're throwing next week"

"See, I told you it had to be a jo-!" Mitsuki turns to Yamato before turning back to look at Tsumugi, eyes wide and mouth dropping to the floor "Wait, what?!!"

He's only the first, but not the last one in the building to ask the same question.


	48. 1083. harunagi (haruki pov)

  1. _Love is a snowman_

_ we built together. _

_ And yes, spring _

_ is coming, _

_ but not just yet. _

Haruki looks at the calendar in the wall, then out the window again. The seasons keep passing and he's still a part of Nagi's life.

He's been delaying his parting, aware that Nagi is right about him being his only friend, but he knows it even with all the pain it brings to his heart: he can't do it anymore. He needs to leave as soon as possible.

Staying with Nagi means being at risk of becoming a weapon against him, to bind him, and that's the one thing Haruki can't allow. He wants Nagi to be free once and for all, and if he's the one stopping Nagi, Haruki has decided he can't live with that weight in his conscience.

But leaving feels cruel. He doesn't want Nagi to be lonely either, and he curses his soft spot for him when Nagi looks at him with pleading eyes and asks him to stay and he does, because he wants to be together but he  _ has _ to protect him.

This is his choice and Haruki will live with it, but he knows he can't just leave like that. He can't go without a single word (he knows how much that hurts, how long the wounds remain), but he can't face Nagi and say goodbye, so he leaves a letter and his most beloved possession in the world to him.

All Haruki can hope for, all he can ask from his music, is that it will perform one last miracle and take Nagi away, far away, where he can have a chance at happiness.


	49. 908. harumina (minami pov)

  1. _Our love was doomed,_

_ a burning building, _

_ a broken neck. _

_ But nothing since _

_ you and me _

_ even feels like love. _

Minami would like to think he has an average person's resilience, a normal idea of mourning. He has lost people he knew before, and has cried for them and moved on. Most people would, by his age, after all.

But he never thought he'd ever have to mourn both a person and a relationship at the same time. And he knows he's not ready for that.

He's not equipped to face something like that, to just deal with it. He can't do both at the same time, and he'll stand firm on knowing his own limits.

He knows he can't do this to himself, even if Haruki can. He knows all he can do is make a choice, and with a heavy heart he makes it.

Minami, his heart feeling much older than it did when he landed in Northmarea, his soul much sadder and not necessarily wiser, decides to face only an enemy at once. Minami, heart and steps heavy, decides to mourn the feelings of leaving behind his first love before he has to face the eventual mourning of losing Haruki to an untimely death.

He tries to move on, to fight the temptation of looking back, when he's too far away to do anything and he was never capable of changing Haruki's own decision no matter how close they were anyway.

No matter how many times Minami tries to convince himself that whatever they had wouldn't have ever worked anyway (and no matter how much he doubts that was the problem to begin with), that doesn't make it any easier on him, it never gets even close to that.

He knows the choice he made was one of survival, merely an attempt at protecting himself, sure that neither Haruki nor their relationship would survive much longer.

  
It still doesn't feel  _ right _ .


	50. 591. toratou (touma pov)

  1. _Let's be friends_

_ with benefits! _

_ But if you are _

_ uncomfortable _

_ with that, _

_ we don't have to do _

_ the friends part. _

Touma isn't even sure how this started or why he ended up saying 'yes' to begin with. He knows he hardly has any good reason to yield when Torao proposes an adventure, and yet he always ends up in this place.

Touma still has no idea what he's doing or how things happened, yet he always ends up in this awkward situation in which he tries hard not to examine his own feelings too much, not to look too closely into his heart.

None of this is supposed to lead anywhere, after all.

And in theory, it's not like Touma has anything against fun and games. It's not like he thinks any less of Torao for leading him (and, at this point, a thousand poor innocent souls, probably) on, or like he'll jump on board of having his heart crushed by actually believing this could be important.

The problem is navigating the need to feel something,  _ anything _ is going on between them, even if it's only guys being dudes, even if it's only a friendship with benefits, even if the 'friendship' part is completely dependent on the 'benefits' part, and the fear of overstepping.

  
The problem is  _ wanting _ to believe and not really knowing if that could be the end of the deal.


	51. 821. tsumuaya (aya pov)

  1. _When you touch me,_

_ my mind is gone. _

_ The only words I know _

_ are lost inside your body. _

There's a certain feeling of easiness to being with Tsumugi.

Aya doesn't really understand yet why,  _ how _ she always feels both at a loss for words and perfectly comfortable with it when they're together. It's difficult for Aya, to think that one day she suddenly met Tsumugi and things clicked in a way she had never felt before.

Peace and happiness and fun and love all mesh together, and Aya is left with no choice but to summon trust too, to help her see that it's okay if she can't put her feelings into words. That it's okay if all she can offer is silence, as long as she can show her feelings somehow.

And it's alright to just enjoy the silence, it's alright to let it reign when all they need to do is let their bodies do the talking.


	52. 1223. ryomomo (momo pov)

  1. _I would love you more_

_ if you were someone _

_ who could love me. _

Ryou is really good at pretending, both that he cares and that he doesn't, until Momo is left lost in loops, in the cycle of faking.

Because the thing is that, even when he says he won't, when he promises he won't let Ryou lead him into trouble anymore and play with him as much as he wants, Momo finds himself wanting to believe in something.

There always comes a moment where Momo talks himself out of it, where he wonders if Ryou is even physically capable of loving. He keeps asking again and again if it's something Ryou can do to begin with, and it works to get him out of trusting him but it also drags Momo back to Ryou when he thinks he's almost free, haunting him with the possibility that he might be giving up on something.

(Whether that something is good or not - is that what he should be asking instead?)

But even if Momo wanted to believe, even if he ever put his full trust in Ryou and not just a vague 'maybe', everything he shows when he's done pretending only leads Momo to think that he can't care about others.

That all Ryou Tsukumo is good for is thinking about himself.


	53. 1045. tenn

  1. _I wish I could give you_

_ everything you want _

_ and still be me. _

Tenn wants to believe that he has more freedom to be himself as Kujou Tenn than he did as Nanase Tenn, but the truth remains that nowadays, who he is is more a constructed image he wants to show than something he is profoundly certain of.

At the end of the day, questioning himself serves no purpose anymore - the less he thinks about it, the better. Questions about his identity, the real Tenn, are too complicated, and currently they carry the possibility of disappointing people if he ends up realizing he's something different than what they wanted from him.

Ultimately, Tenn can excuse it all he wants, but there's only one person left who Tenn doesn't want-  _ can't allow himself _ to hurt. After all, both Riku and his fans have already shown him they're stronger than he thought - more than strong enough to protect  _ him _ instead, actually.

The more he experiences as an idol, the more he realizes that his mentor, his adoptive father, is the only person he'd hurt if his real self turned out to be anything other than a legend.


	54. 416. ryomomo (ryo pov)

  1. _I learned to pick locks_

_ to get at your heart _

_ but failed. _

_ I got into your house, though. _

When Ryou met Momo, something in those bright eyes told him they were meant to be.

Of course, the natural curiosity to find out if that was true led him to interact, to talk to Momo and see if there was anything real waiting for him there, finally.

And  _ finally _ , in Momo, he thought he had found love. To think they had so much in common! To think he was  _ so _ sweet and  _ so _ interesting, so giving and forgiving! They  _ really  _ were made for each other!

Ryou really wanted Momo to see it, to like him. Naturally, organically, almost like a prophecy fulfilling itself, like destiny manifesting in front of their eyes.

But Momo wouldn't budge. He'd insist on keeping his eyes on someone else, he'd persistently ignore Ryou until he left him few options.

If Momo would only pay attention when Ryou was forceful, then he'd have to change his strategy.

**Author's Note:**

> We're starting a new project today! If I can keep up a posting schedule, the goal is 3 chapters per week, since they're short. The pairing will be in the tittle and if I need to make any warnings I'll include them in notes at the start of each chapter, since these will all be independent from each other.
> 
> That said, hope you enjoy them!


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